Monthly Archives: May 2013

Word of the Moment: Bragplaints

Word of the Moment posts are words that I make up to describe common things that society does.

Bragplaint

noun

  1. a comment that attempts to hide a brag in a complaint.

Related forms
bragplaining, bragplains, bragplained, verb
bragplainer, noun

Example: “Ugh, don’t you just hate it when you go somewhere and like, ten guys hit on you?”

This is what someone does when he needs to rub something in someone else’s face without sounding like an asshole.

Formerly known as: humblebrag

Boomerang things

You know what they are. They’re those things that you try so hard to get rid of, but they always come back. You could spend weeks working so hard to get it out of the way, but it always hobbles back to you, taunting you and teasing you, smug in its triumph. They always boomerang right back to you, no matter how hard you work. So here is my list of the top ten things I always try to get rid of but always come back.

  1. Bad friends: This one’s a big one. I know I have that one annoying friend that I try so hard to get rid of, but they just won’t go away. I “forget” to invite them to your gatherings, and I get overly upset when they do one little thing wrong. Heck, sometimes I even ramble on about how bad of a friend I am to them and how they should find other nice people to hang out with. But they just won’t go away. They always forgive me and keep trying to hang out with me. Ugh. (I’ll probably do a full-length rant on this one day.)
  2. Annoying exes: ‘Nuff said.
  3. Zits: Especially being a teenager. I battle with acne on a daily basis. As soon as I get rid of one zit, a whole bunch take its place. No matter how many different face washes and pimple creams I’ve tried.
  4. Body hair: Girls especially know what I’m talking about. Can’t I go hair-free and skip shaving for even a few days?
  5. Weight: I’ll bet everyone can relate to this one. Those ten pounds I lost last month after dieting for half a year? Gained it all back at Christmas dinner at Grandma’s!
  6. Guilt: As soon as I start feeling better about myself, something reminds me of that one thing I did wrong and I feel bad all over again.
  7. Sicknesses: Yep. Get better for a while, and I’m sick again real soon. Especially during cold season.
  8. Clutter: Obviously. That pile of papers I cleaned up on your desk yesterday? It’s back. All the random junk in my garage I sold at that yard sale last month? A new pile of junk has taken its place. Why??
  9. Pests: Didn’t we just call the exterminator last week? Where do all these bugs come from?
  10. That one ugly skirt in the back of my closet: Why is it still there?? Didn’t I put it in the “Donate” box last spring cleaning?

Teenagerism #2: Trying to Grow Up

Teenagers are at this weird phase. We’re not grown up yet, but we aren’t little kids anymore either. We feel kind of stuck between being a kid and being an adult. However, too often, we’re told that we’re too young to do things.

So what do we do? We rebel. We try to grow up, to be adults so adults will actually take us seriously. We go against what adults tell us in an effort to prove to them that we ARE, in fact, old enough to handle ourselves.

Sometimes, it’s the other way around. I know many teens whose parents push them to grow up. They are constantly studying and worrying about college at 13 or 14 years old. They don’t ever get a chance to be kids.

Either way, teens are caught in this huge race to mature and be an adult.

I really don’t understand it. Being a kid is awesome. I remember when I was six years old and the only thing I had to worry about was feeding my Tamagotchi. I didn’t have to care about clothing brands, periods, or acne. Boys still had cooties, and the only thing to cry over was a scraped knee. Life was easy. Why are people in such a rush to grow up? Why do 13-year-olds feel the need to start dating or wearing makeup and putting mousse in their hair? Is growing up really that attractive? What’s so great about having a boyfriend at 13 years old? What are you going to do with one anyways? What’s so great about caking your face with powder and goop? Isn’t life better when you can just run out onto the swingset and play on it for hours?

It makes me kind of sad to look at how much everyone has changed over the years. Many people I knew were the happiest kids in the world in elementary school, but now they’re depressed and stressed-out. This is what growing up is really like. No more happy-go-lucky, innocent fun. Just a lot of unnecessary pressure to get things done.

People I Hate

If you’re following me on twitter, you would know that there are two kinds of people that I hate.

  1. People that judge me before knowing me. Honestly, what right do you have to tell me what I am based on who I hang out with and what I do? I have a lot of guy friends. That doesn’t make me a slut. I speak my mind. That doesn’t make me a bitch. Don’t judge me before you know me.
  2. People that tell me that I’m incapable of doing something. People always say things like, “Oh, you’re (a girl/just a kid/too small/not powerful enough/etc.). You’ll never be able to accomplish ________.” Honestly people? Don’t tell me I can’t do something you’ve never seen me do. Especially if I know I am capable of completing whatever task set before me.

I have a hard time getting along with a lot of people anyways, and this really makes it worse. People are just so annoying and so difficult to get along with. Lots of little things irritate me about people, but these are the two main reasons why I actually hate people. Most of the time, I tolerate people’s little quirks, even when they irritate me. But once you tell me I’m something I’m not, especially without knowing me, or you tell me I can’t do something because of some innocuous reason, then I have a problem. I have a certain hatred for a few other kinds of people, but those two are the main ones.

What do you guys really hate that people do to you?

Anti-pickup Lines

Screen Shot 2013-04-29 at 9.53.52 PM

I’m what you call an anti-flirt. Don’t even try flirting with me. I’ll come up with some condescending witty response to your clever little pickup line and send you packing. It’s kind of an automatic defense. So today, I’m going to share with you a collection of the best responses to some classic and clever lines. Some of these I came up with. Some I’ve read on websites. Some my friends came up with.

THE LINE: Do you have a map? Because I’m lost in your eyes.
THE RESPONSE: No, but I can give you directions to “Out of my Face.”

THE LINE: I forgot my library card. Can I check you out anyways?
THE RESPONSE: Well, why don’t you bring your library card and check out some books. You know. To read. Or are you too stupid to do that?

THE LINE: Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re CuTe.
THE RESPONSE: No, but it seems like you’re made of arsenic and sulfur. You’re a real AsS

THE LINE: I’m no weatherman, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.
THE RESPONSE: Really? Why don’t you just go drown in that rain.

THE LINE: Are you tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day.
THE RESPONSE: Yeah, actually. I’ve been running away from you.

THE LINE: I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
THE RESPONSE: I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.

THE LINE: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
THE RESPONSE: Well, that’s okay, because N and O are already together.
(or if you wanna mix it up a bit, you can try…)
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put F and U together.

THE LINE: U and I are in beautiful.
THE RESPONSE: But there’s only U in ugly.

THE LINE: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
THE RESPONSE: No, but it hurt when I died fifteen years ago, along with that line.

THE LINE: Go ahead, don’t be shy. Ask me out.
THE RESPONSE: Okay. Get out.

THE LINE: I lost my number. Can I have yours?
THE RESPONSE: The phone company can help you with that.

THE LINE: Your face must turn a few heads.
THE RESPONSE: And yours must turn a few stomachs.

THE LINE: I would die for you!
THE RESPONSE: Prove it.

THE LINE: I would go to the ends of the earth for you.
THE RESPONSE: Great. Then stay there.

THE LINE: Your body is a temple.
THE RESPONSE: And there are no services today.

THE LINE: Your place or mine?
THE RESPONSE: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

THE LINE: I want to give myself to you.
THE RESPONSE: Ugh, what a cheap gift!

THE LINE: Is this seat empty?
THE RESPONSE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

THE LINE: Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
THE RESPONSE: Walk by again, but this time, don’t stop!

THE LINE: Do you know karate, because your body is kicking!
THE RESPONSE: Actually, I do. Would your crotch like a demonstration?

THE LINE: Those must be space pants because your ass is out of this world!
THE RESPONSE: No, these are baseball pants because this ass is out of your league
(or if you wanna mix it up, you can try…)
Is that a donkey’s tongue? Because it’s making an ass out of you.

THE LINE: I can tell that you want me.
THE RESPONSE: Well, I want you to leave.

THE LINE: Are you a parking ticket, because you have “FINE” written all over you!
THE RESPONSE: No, but are you a parking ticket? Because nobody likes you.

THE LINE: Look at your keyboard. U and I are together.
THE RESPONSE: Yeah, but right under that, it says JK!

THE LINE: I’m not a genie, but I can make your wishes come true.
THE RESPONSE: Great. First wish: for you to go away.

THE LINE: How did you get so beautiful?
THE RESPONSE: I must have taken your share.

THE LINE: Does beauty run in your family?
THE RESPONSE: I don’t know, but it sure as hell doesn’t run in yours!

And of course, if you can’t come up with a response, simply say: “That’s an interesting approach. Now let’s see your departure.”

Comment below with your best pickup line comebacks!